People often say to me: “TJ, you are pretty much the coolest guy I know. How can I be cool like you?” To which I answer: “Its easy. Have you considered taking up pipe smoking?”
WARNING: Scientists have known for well over a year that smoking may be hazardous to your health. Please smoke responsibly.
The Tools of the Pipe Smoker
To start with, you will need a few simple tools:
Rubbing out the Tobacco (Optional)
Before you reach for your gun, Guido, I should explain. “Rubbing out” the tobacco means to rub it between the hands in order to break up any unsavory chunks. This makes the tobacco more smokable, and helps to bring out the flavor.
Packing the Pipe
In your eagerness to get right to the good stuff, you will be tempted to ram the tobacco into the pipe with a forefinger as fast and as tight as possible. Not Good!
Carefully sprinkle the tobacco into the bowl - don’t pack it yet - until the bowl is filled.
Then, using your pipe tool, carefully tamp the tobacco down. Do NOT use much pressure! When you are finished, the packed tobacco should fill the bowl only about 1/3 of the way up.
Do this twice more. Sprinkle the tobacco in until it is full, then tamp it down lightly. Each time the bowl will fill up another 1/3 of the way.
When you are done, the tobacco should be slightly springy to the touch. You should also be able to draw on the pipe stem without feeling any resistance. If you hollow your cheeks while trying to draw on the pipe stem, then you will need to start over.
Lighting the Pipe
You are now ready to light your pipe.
Put the pipe stem in your mouth. The stem is the narrow part. Refer to the diagram below.
The Charring Light (aka, the False Light)
The Charring Light is what separates the novice pipe-smoker from the truly pretentious. First, put the flame to the surface of the tobacco and move it in a tiny little circle as you puff, until the surface “poofs up”. Then use your pipe tool to carefully tamp down the ashes.
Why do we do a Charring Light?: All Questions are closed on this forum.
Smoking the Pipe
You are now ready to smoke your pipe. Tips for good smoking:
- Puff once every 5 to 15 seconds. Use a stop-watch to time yourself.
- If your pipe goes out, curse and mutter to yourself. Then relight it.
- If the pipe grows too hot from smoking too fast, throw the pipe as far away from yourself as you can. Call the fire department and tell them you have a “Code Purple.” They’ll know what to do.
- DO NOT INHALE! Pipe smoke contains toxins and carcinogens. Ask your tobacconist for a Material Safety Data Sheet (MSDS) whenever you make a purchase.
Epilogue
Pipe smoking is meant to be savored. Draw the smoke into your mouth, and then let it slide out, giving it a gentle, almost imperceptible push with your tongue and cheeks. Savor the taste and the aroma. Enjoy the jealous glare of the self-absorbed poseur outside the coffee shop, smoking her little cigarette and relating how the Vagina Monologues have helped her grow as an artist. You have entered a state of peace that she will never be able to attain. You have abandoned fashion for refinement and joined the ranks of history’s greatest men and women.
You are a pipe smoker!
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